Authentic Christian Community

After yesterday's Committment Sunday I've been mulling over "Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in affliction, Faithful in prayer" and I suppose if I am honest, and I evaluated how I'm currently doing then out of 10 I would give myself 6 out of 10 for the first one, probably 8 out of 10 for the last one..... but 2 out of 10 (if that) for being Patient in affliction - and my family know it because that's where I am most 'authentic'.

I find it very very difficult to be real and authentic within my Christian community - whether it be in the Cell group I help lead, with my Christian friends, or others I close to.

As I have referred to before when having a good long moan, one of my afflictions at the moment (well for the last few months) is constant pain from my Osteo Arthritis - the biggest consequence of this pain is that I haven't had a decent night's sleep since last August. This is making me feel depressed, it is making me incredibly irritable, it is causing me to feel exhausted - believe me when I say that I have always needed more sleep than most. So, how do I display patience when I feel so awful most of the time. Do I ask for healing? Do I ask for prayer? Do I confide in whoever will listen? I do very little of this because I believe I might be seen as a weak Christian, someone who shouldn't 'lead'. Now I know this is my perception and is probably not a good one or an accurate one but it is still my perception. And then there is the feeling of guilt - there are so many who are suffering much more than I am........ and how do you quanitfy pain.

God knows all this, I am real with him and I thank him for his patience with me - but even in prayer I am conscious that I should focus on others and I do - I don't want to bother God too much with me and my problems - He knows. But I am struck with the thought that maybe my prayers should be more along the lines of asking him to help me be real with others - my family would benefit, let alone me.

Actually I'm not that real with my family...... that's where all the irritation and depression is coming out - I keep hearing the lie that "they don't want to hear you moaning about your pain and lack of sleep..... you could be in this situation for years and years" Ok, so I know I have to reject this lie of the devil and affirm God's truth..... that if I let people see the real me (whether family, friends, fellowship) I won't be rejected - its a big step for me to take but for healing to take place its one that has to be taken and I will take it holding my Saviour's hand - He loves me unconditionally and he has never let me down!

Hey, its ironic that I can share this and be fairly authentic on this blog..... well that's a start I suppose ;))