Authentic Christian Community

After yesterday's Committment Sunday I've been mulling over "Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in affliction, Faithful in prayer" and I suppose if I am honest, and I evaluated how I'm currently doing then out of 10 I would give myself 6 out of 10 for the first one, probably 8 out of 10 for the last one..... but 2 out of 10 (if that) for being Patient in affliction - and my family know it because that's where I am most 'authentic'.

I find it very very difficult to be real and authentic within my Christian community - whether it be in the Cell group I help lead, with my Christian friends, or others I close to.

As I have referred to before when having a good long moan, one of my afflictions at the moment (well for the last few months) is constant pain from my Osteo Arthritis - the biggest consequence of this pain is that I haven't had a decent night's sleep since last August. This is making me feel depressed, it is making me incredibly irritable, it is causing me to feel exhausted - believe me when I say that I have always needed more sleep than most. So, how do I display patience when I feel so awful most of the time. Do I ask for healing? Do I ask for prayer? Do I confide in whoever will listen? I do very little of this because I believe I might be seen as a weak Christian, someone who shouldn't 'lead'. Now I know this is my perception and is probably not a good one or an accurate one but it is still my perception. And then there is the feeling of guilt - there are so many who are suffering much more than I am........ and how do you quanitfy pain.

God knows all this, I am real with him and I thank him for his patience with me - but even in prayer I am conscious that I should focus on others and I do - I don't want to bother God too much with me and my problems - He knows. But I am struck with the thought that maybe my prayers should be more along the lines of asking him to help me be real with others - my family would benefit, let alone me.

Actually I'm not that real with my family...... that's where all the irritation and depression is coming out - I keep hearing the lie that "they don't want to hear you moaning about your pain and lack of sleep..... you could be in this situation for years and years" Ok, so I know I have to reject this lie of the devil and affirm God's truth..... that if I let people see the real me (whether family, friends, fellowship) I won't be rejected - its a big step for me to take but for healing to take place its one that has to be taken and I will take it holding my Saviour's hand - He loves me unconditionally and he has never let me down!

Hey, its ironic that I can share this and be fairly authentic on this blog..... well that's a start I suppose ;))

Fighting Fit?

Last August I did something I never thought I would do.... I joined a gym! The reasons were: its just up the road from work (3 mins walk)- will be easy to fit into 3 lunchtimes if nec; it was a good price; and it would make me more disciplined (rather than trying to get on the exercise bike in front of the TV at the end of the day when I want to be in the land of nod. The main reason was that I need to lose weight so that I am comfy in my outfit for Lucy's (younger daughter) wedding in July.

I was good and kept going more or less 3 times a week right up till December and then it all fell apart. Various other things that I needed to do, including Christmas shopping and a general lack of interest in going prevented me. I started back yesterday........ and it was HARD..... I felt like I was back to square one (I probably am!) and realise that this is just because I am again, physically unfit due to lack of discipline (and allowing other stuff to get in the way - some of it good and admirable, some of it not so).

The parallel and question coming at me is 'am I spiritually fit' let alone spiritually fighting fit? At the moment, I don't think so. Having a nice long break away from work (16 days off) was great but I did the bare minimum as far as keeping spiritually fit. Things became rather dry........ and looking at it now through a still foggy mind I can see how being fit in spirit, body and mind, goes together - I can see just how important it is, yet find it so hard to do at times.

I tend to compartmentalise things...... for example - work, family/home, army. In fact my life tends to be compartmentalised and I struggle to integrate it....... and of course, me being me, it all gets a bit too introspective - especially at this time of year which I tend to struggle with.

Is God speaking to me and I just can't hear him for the noise? Has he led me into a wilderness for a time? Is he telling me to be still and know that he is God? Is he telling me to stop trying to be something/someone I'm not? To stop comparing myself with others? And, through it all I know that I am a Child of the King. I know that I am a Child of the Living God. I know I am the apple of his eye and that he rejoices over me with singing..... that last one always makes me smile! I know these truths and know I have to choose to believe them every moment of every day. But, when unfit, it is harder. God is faithful and I have resolved at the beginning of this New Year, to get fighting fit......... in his strength and with his help.