Learning

Following on from our holiday I've been increasingly aware of my need to learn - although not in an academic sense.... so I know its from God and not me as I seem at times to be forever striving to achieve some educational/academic ability!

I have a lot of lessons that I need to learn from God. Just some of what he has been saying to me is detailed here, in no specific order!

1. I must fear him and love him (sounds simple but to me its not)
2. I must daily allow him to possess all there is of me, body mind and spirit (and anything else that there may be!)
3. I must pray the Bible - have been doing this over the last few days, following Wesley and Stacey Campbell's guidelines in their books and all I can say is WOW!!!!!!!!!!!
4. God must have first place in my life

There are other things but these are the lessons that have come to me time and time again.... with increasing intensity. All of the above are obvious, even to me, yet I haven't spent time striving (and NOT striving but just 'being). For a long time I've felt that I've been a bit too casual in my relationship with God - I know I've been too casual. I love it that he wants to be involved in everything that I am, I know he wants me to speak with him about everything and that is wonderful.... but I have felt a deepening need for more reverence (& fear) - its getting the balance right I suppose and its something that the Holy Spirit will continue to work through in my life.

I recognise that I was created to worship God in spirit and in truth......and all this learning is leading me on to that... not as an end in itself but a beginning, the right beginning, not as a 'consumer', not just to strive for some spiritual loftiness - but so that when I go to be with Jesus (and on this journey), my life will have been something that has made a difference..... because He has had all there is of me and was able to make something beautiful out of it!

I have so much to learn - I am hungry for more and more of God and I know he will satisfy. I am conscious of my emptiness but I know he will fill me to overflowing and I thank him and praise him.

Courageous Leadership?.... Courageous Soldiership?!!

When Captains Andrew and Tracy commissioned me as ASM they gave me a Bill Hybells book "Courageous Leadership". I had another look at it yesterday...... not because I feel I am a leader but because I wanted to see again what it had to say about this courage thing!

In our united service with the Methodists last night Ephesians 6 was referred to.... and wow, don't I need to have it welded into my brain, heart, spirit... whatever. I need to be so absolutely sure that my war is not against flesh and blood - even though flesh and blood is what so often appears to be the problem (mine too!) and I need to be making sure that I am placing the full armour of God on myself - I have to choose to do this... and it has to be repeated over and over and over. I know I shouldn't need reminding of such basics but.....

Oh how I sometimes would like to not feel like I am in a war - sorry but I do - I know that I signed up for it, I know that if I am pushing forward, even just a couple of centimetres, then I will come under attack, but the battle fatigue is tough - I still have a thin skin.... I still pick up on stuff I wish sometimes I didn't... atmosphere, expressions, sometimes just out of the blue - I have thought in the past that it is discernment and have asked The Lord to take it from me when I've felt so desperate about it all. But I still have whatever it is.... I am trying to trust in God to help me to learn whatever lessons he is trying to teach me and I thank him yet again for His Faithfullness.

I still don't really have any indication of where I should be or what I should be doing..... since returning from a wonderfully relaxing holiday I've had no time - no privacy, no energy (and I've been back just over a week!) But I still have a deep deep sense that there is something.... that I'm not where I should be spiritually - I don't know whether its Jesus or me. I have no doubt though that things will become clearer in His good timing - I will learn patience one day!

I do have a sense of Hope in the midst of all this, personally and regarding the corps. Its a small sense of Hope but it is there. I am thankful to God for bringing Majors Alan & Carol to us - His hand is clearly at work (and has been) and I have a deep assurance that God is working out His purposes. I spent a lot of time in prayer and just waiting on Him, being still, etc whilst on holiday - it was lovely and I experienced a deep refreshing of not just body and mind but of my spirit too and I praise Him for that. Whilst on holiday I felt led to repent for myself and on behalf of our corps for not fixing our eyes on Jesus and doing His will.... and thereby allowing the devil to have a field-day. For all the unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy and lack of love.... I just pray with all my heart that God will do whatever is necessary (and we will do the same) and that we will be the people He has called us to be.